“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
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Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible