@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

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@TuSoonShakur

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

@notalogin

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

@JulieSnark

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

@fro_vo

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

@squirrel74wkgn

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

@jergarl

Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.

Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.

@KentWGraham

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.