@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

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@pleatedjeans

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

@ULTRAGLOSS

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

@bossy_bootz

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

@TheBabylonBee

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

@OneFunnyMummy

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

@kevinseccia

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.