*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.
Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.