Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
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Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.