Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.

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Me *answers phone*: OH MY GOD, IT’S YOU! I can’t believe it, I missed you so much. I love you, please don’t ever leave me again.

My hairdresser: yeah so about that appointment…


Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*


-The Supreme Being

-The Taco Supreme Being


*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.


My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.


I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.


I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.


Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice