Me *answers phone*: OH MY GOD, IT’S YOU! I can’t believe it, I missed you so much. I love you, please don’t ever leave me again.
My hairdresser: yeah so about that appointment…
Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.
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Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg
“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”
Me: *grabs another donut & runs*
I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being
I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice