her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
When I laugh on my period
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no