Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.