Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.