I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.