actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”

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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.


I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day


Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.


It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.


3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob


[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup


My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.


Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.


The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.