Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”
[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.
“You sure about that?”
[chewing on glass] Yup
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.