Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

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*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now


[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.


Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls


“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed


I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.


God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.


What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?


*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.


Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.