Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
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My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
me: whatās the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I donāt see how thatās any of your business
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal ācornyā festival or a āhuman sacrifice to ensure good harvestā festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh iām going regardless
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
iām stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
āYou looked stressedā
Me: āThanks, itās probably all the stressā
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers š¶
Him: Mom whatās a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know weāre lovers?
Stranger:š³
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding āand thereās pizzaā at the end.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I canāt unsee it
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, Iāll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me š
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me š
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concernā¦”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] Itās OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.