My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
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Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
How to spot a meth lab.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I’d just call my boss.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?