My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I’m pretty sure the cashier thinks I’m making a girlfriend.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Now picture me using proper grammar
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.
Some days it doesn’t seem worth it to burst out of my own grave & terrorize the townsfolk.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say “you throw like a girl”.