Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
You Might Also Like
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced