@Shade510

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

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@mrjohntofu

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

@kaytaa

Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?

@psybermonkey

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

@suecorvette

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

@missusmelis

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

@Swishergirl24

No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I’d just call my boss.

@becks_bradley

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

@NicolaJSwinney

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

@DanMentos

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?