Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
You Might Also Like
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout