Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”
-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy
To the guy who just followed me with “Conservative, God-loving, pro-life” in his bio… are you sure you want to do this?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy