Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
🙄😏😂🤣
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-