@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

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@LetGoBeFreeDoU

Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..

@meowkenxing

the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl

@AmericanGent69

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

@LifeUnPinterest

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

@Marlebean

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

@MarfSalvador

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

@Dawn_M_

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

@ChaseMit

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

@AntozWolf

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.