Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
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the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
an octopus is just a wet spider
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂