Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.