Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.