Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.