Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

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Shakira: It’s not you, it’s me

Soon to be ex boyfriend: *looks at her hips*

Shakiras hips: It totally is you, you breathe far too heavily


When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”


Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?


[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?


Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.


How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall


“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….


wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working