Shakira: It’s not you, it’s me
Soon to be ex boyfriend: *looks at her hips*
Shakiras hips: It totally is you, you breathe far too heavily
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
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When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working