@notmythirdrodeo

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

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@KissabiX

Shakira: It’s not you, it’s me

Soon to be ex boyfriend: *looks at her hips*

Shakiras hips: It totally is you, you breathe far too heavily

@Kennycruzin

When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”

@NYC_Blonde

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

@Darlainky

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

@9GAG

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

@Jenny4ashley

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

@Mardigroan

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

@TweetPotato314

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working