Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
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if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
do u think theres a butter planet?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Probably my best painting.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener