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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
me when the borders lift
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life