@MNateShyamalan

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

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@Dutch_50

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

@jtrulez

If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.

@errdayhustlah

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

@Reverend_Scott

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

@TribalSpaceCat

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

@HappyHijabbi

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

@julcasagrande

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

@Tups13

As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.

@leechee420

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees