@MNateShyamalan

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

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@chapel3929

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

@juliussharpe

If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.

@Terdoh

Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.

@TheToddWilliams

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

@Vodkantots

3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Me:
3:

@iwearaonesie

wife: I want a divorce
[uncomfortable silence]
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-

@Kyle1092

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

@profmusgrave

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

@LizHackett

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.