[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Tastes like chicken.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese