@MNateShyamalan
@Dutch_50
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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@Dutch_50
@jtrulez
If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.
@errdayhustlah
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
@Reverend_Scott
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
@TribalSpaceCat
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
@HappyHijabbi
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
@julcasagrande
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
@Tups13
As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.
@leechee420
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
@iwearaonesie
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees