Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
It will turn green in
Ah yes nailed it.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees