@MNateShyamalan
@BunAndLeggings
4yo: we have a weed farm!
Lady:
Me: weedS in our yard
Lady: *rapidly walks away*
Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH
2yo: I get high *jumps*
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@BunAndLeggings
@JaymayAllDay
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
@lecalabara
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
@carlyken
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
@hermanntrude
Guy 1: fight me
Guy 2: ok… but… one thing
Guy 1: what?
Guy 2: well… it might sound weird but… well is it ok if we get a few thousand drunk people to watch?
Invention of wrestling
@lovemydogduck
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
@DirtMcTurd
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
@Lexxivy
If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes
@TheWeirdWorld
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
@jonnysun
JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]
ME: woa!! thanks jesus
JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW