@MNateShyamalan

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

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@BunAndLeggings

4yo: we have a weed farm!

Lady:

Me: weedS in our yard

Lady: *rapidly walks away*

Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH

2yo: I get high *jumps*

@JaymayAllDay

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

@lecalabara

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

@carlyken

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

@hermanntrude

Guy 1: fight me

Guy 2: ok… but… one thing

Guy 1: what?

Guy 2: well… it might sound weird but… well is it ok if we get a few thousand drunk people to watch?

Invention of wrestling

@DirtMcTurd

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

@Lexxivy

If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes

@TheWeirdWorld

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

@jonnysun

JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW