@MNateShyamalan
@chapel3929
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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@chapel3929
@juliussharpe
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
@Terdoh
Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.
@TheToddWilliams
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
@Vodkantots
3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Me:
3:
@iwearaonesie
wife: I want a divorce
[uncomfortable silence]
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-
@Kyle1092
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
@profmusgrave
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
@LizHackett
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
@NeutronDre
“Ummm can you not?”
– white girl getting tortured