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give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

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4yo: we have a weed farm!


Me: weedS in our yard

Lady: *rapidly walks away*


2yo: I get high *jumps*


I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.


I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.


Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*


Guy 1: fight me

Guy 2: ok… but… one thing

Guy 1: what?

Guy 2: well… it might sound weird but… well is it ok if we get a few thousand drunk people to watch?

Invention of wrestling


“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!



If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes


Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.


JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW