[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
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My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago