ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.