@jonnysun

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

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@ValeeGrrl

Just when you think parenting can’t be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can’t get a squirrel to hug him.

@E_lok44

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

@shariv67

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

@bmarked21

Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.

@FO_ASchatz

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

@leftistthot420

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

@UnethicalGnius

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

@totmessmom

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

@luckinspades

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.