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Just when you think parenting can’t be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can’t get a squirrel to hug him.


*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away


ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors


Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.


Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.


I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.


video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!


McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold


We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.


Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.