[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*