[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

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Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch


I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.


USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not


Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good


mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye ūüôā


“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.


Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?


Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone ‚ÄúI married a stale ham sandwich of a human‚ÄĚ and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult


Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.