@Gre_Gone

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

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@yenniwhite

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

@nappydolemite

I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.

@actioncookbook

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

@AnkCoupleTO

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

@TweetsByKaylee

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye ūüôā

@BitterOldPunk

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

@fred_dog

Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?

@Emma_Oh_

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone ‚ÄúI married a stale ham sandwich of a human‚ÄĚ and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

@ObscureGent

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.