Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
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Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that