Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
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I never know how much to tip a cow.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait