@suecorvette

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

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@amselts

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

@_TheGreatGrizz_

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

@bobvulfov

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

@TheThryll

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

@joeyfullystated

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now