Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

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After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet


That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.


Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.


(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide


Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.


Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.


Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now