Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
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Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.