@PleaseBeGneiss

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

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@thestlouisan

My 5 year old just ended a phone call with “I gotta jump, Daddy. I’m out.”

And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.

@squirrel74wkgn

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

@FredTaming

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

@KeetPotato

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

@SeanINCypress

If Batman doesn’t wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats

@murrman5

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

@melibuff

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

@envydatropic

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.