My 5 year old just ended a phone call with “I gotta jump, Daddy. I’m out.”
And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
rudolph: sing the song keith
If Batman doesn’t wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.
Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.