Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

whatcha thinkin bout

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.