ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
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People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.