Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.