Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
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me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’m dying louder than usual today.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair