billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
billy joel: can i sing them to u
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
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Darth Vader’s full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
sıɥʇ ƃuıpɐǝɹ puɐ ǝɯıʇ ƃuıʞɐʇ ǝuıƃɐɯı