@iamspacegirl

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

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@randypaint

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u

@ojedge

Darth Vader’s full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.

@stevevsninjas

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

@dadthatwrites

If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?

@maxi_tea

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

@doktorj

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

@JJSummertime

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*