Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
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i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing