Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.