“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
“HELP WITH CAT”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p