Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…