Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
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I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.