Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
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Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast