Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast
“they’re eating dog food”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it