Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
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*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
#SCOTUS one-star review
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.