Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
You Might Also Like
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*