Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
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I stopped using a CONDOM after NIVEA started offering 48 Hours protection
Why protect myself Twice?😕😒
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.
you: *finger guns*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*