@bluntphilip

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

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@marrowing

every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper “are you mining bitcoin you little shit”

@RubyBottoms

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

@MomOnFire

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

@awryaditi

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

@HousewifeOfHell

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

@djdarrellripley

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

@dxblarssonENG

Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can’t go to college.

@RaynaTheGreat

All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.

@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.