@bluntphilip

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

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@Awesome_Todd

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

@ofentseprokid

I stopped using a CONDOM after NIVEA started offering 48 Hours protection

Why protect myself Twice?😕😒

@1par8head

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

@T_Bonezzz_

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

@KarenReneK

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

@longwall26

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

@Chel__CLE

When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.

@HepatitisAtoZ

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*