*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

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I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG


Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.




The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work


excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”


If procrastinating were an Olympic sport, I would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.


There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.


if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life


I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.


I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.