Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@CornOnTheGoblin

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

@SamuelHLowe

Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

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@notalogin

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

@murrman5

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

@Stabby_smurf

If procrastinating were an Olympic sport, I would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.

@FrizerkaSandra

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@minkpinkustink

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

@E_lok44

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

@ilovepie84

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.