*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
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PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Black Friday “markdowns” like
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.