*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
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My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”