My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Saw your ex at the shops
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.