I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
You Might Also Like
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
scared to check what name she chose
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon