@TheHatdog

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

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@TheRolo

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

@Marlebean

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

@badbanana

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

@GrantTanaka

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

@BruceForce

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

@chuchugoogoo

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

@WheelTod

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

@TheAlexNevil

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

@VinnieLovelace

Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores

@LaLuchaNix

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.