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It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.


what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves


My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.


I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.


I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about


When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.


Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.


My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.