Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.