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@Marcmywords2

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

@frickashley

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

@sixfootcandy

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

@HomeProbably

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@sarcasticmommy4

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

@mom_ontherocks

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

@MountainDouche

My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.