Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Pass gas, not judgment.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Draw me like one of your French Fries.