– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Natty or not?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
the prophecy has been fulfilled