My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: