*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Feels
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.