@PeachCoffin

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

- @PeachCoffin

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@Mr_goose007

If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.

@dubstep4dads

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

@ShellHasDragons

People will excuse almost anything if you carry your toothbrush with purpose, everywhere.

@A_Bit_Too_Rude

*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*

@MikeBigby

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees

ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate

@U_Want_Shum_M8

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

@lawyerthoughts

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.